“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”

― JRR Tolkein

Although it may appear slightly farfetched that this infamous quote by JRR Tolkein in The Lord of The Rings resonates so much, it’s actually quite simple: the sheer impact of some past experiences cannot be erased. Self-destruction, external betrayal, internal warfare. How can you possibly eradicate that? How can you pretend they won’t hold power over the rest of your life?

I left the UK in 2019 knowing that there was no going back. The hurts of my home far outweigh the benefits. Although some of my most cherished memories remain within the UK (namely proposing to my fiancé and graduating from college), they remain chronically overshadowed. However, because I have detailed many of these negative experiences previously, I will not be repeating them here. Besides, we all have our own Everest to climb.

Fortunately, my fiancé understood this pretty quickly. While I know we could perhaps settle with a return to life there, I worry that resentment will build over time. Not necessarily aimed at anybody, but rather at my own circumstance. I promised myself a ‘forever out’. A permanent reset. Denying this for myself would be a betrayal of my life-long exploration towards potential happiness. It would present itself perversely, with everlasting consequences. Whether I will successfully obtain even a fraction of this internal happiness remains to be determined. Although, a return to my previous life will make this an impossible task.

I credulously believed that the ‘it’s time to move on’ mentality would result in a simplistic erasure of my history, like the neuralyzer gadget from the Men in Black movies. Simple eradication through lack of association. To nobody’s surprise but my own, life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes I feel like a wraith, but instead of being ensnared between life and death, I feel I’m ripped apart by my past, present and consequential futures all at once. Constantly going in circles, with an absence of purpose.

My drive and focus on a future, namely a career in science, has always been enough to facilitate freedom and success. But now, as the playing field narrows and the competition intensifies, I lack any feeling of importance. The academic world is cutthroat, even for those living without chronic mental health issues. Now, the negatives of my present and past are compounding one another. Am I good enough to be a scientist? This feeling of incapability then bleeds over into my personal life: am I good partner? Am I a good person? I used to think so. Now though, I am not so sure.

There are some that would love to be in my position. Yet, I often wish to be anyplace else. Does this lack of gratefulness make me a bad person? Unfortunately, it is a catch-22 scenario as I have no clue what circumstance would make things better, if any. I have only one absolute: a return to the UK remains the worst choice imaginable.

Emotionally, all I know definitively is that I am full of sadness and hatred. Hatred towards the past, sadness about what could have been. Although I should blame others for manipulating and breaking a young boy, all I tend to do is blame myself. Is this not what we all do? When something goes wrong and we are unable to fix it, how many of us turn the blame around onto ourselves? How many of us consider ourselves culpable? I confidently assume this is common, especially for men.

Suicide remains the largest killer of males under the age of 50. Nearly 75% of all those who die by suicide are men. I feel as though there is an annual uproar within the media sphere regarding these statistics, yet nothing seems to be done about it.

Data represents suicide rates in the United States. Data acquired from the Centre of Disease Control:

https://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/fatal/trends.html  

There are many behaviours that scare me which relate to the increased suicide rates in men. Withdrawal from friends and family, stockpiling of medications, excessive levels of anxiety or agitation, and reliance on alcohol or drugs. It was pills and alcohol for me when I was a teenager. As of now, I have enough pills in my apartment to tranquilize an African bull elephant. Not through stockpiling, but through required and necessary prescription. For many years I have been concerned that, for whatever reason, my past comes back to haunt me. What would that mean for my personal safety?

This is when I started to understand that some hurts are inescapable. I have been trying for so many years to forget the past and move on. Almost attempting to restart my existence and begin life anew. This is just not possible. Some hurts do, indeed, go too deep. Pretending this to be false could be disastrous for any of us, regardless of our ethnicity, gender, or orientation. Conversely, and likely beneficially, accepting it could be an important step in self-preservation, progression, and prosperity. Because I remain a sceptic, this is a hypothesis I need to test for myself.

Though my optimism is clearly lacking nowadays, acknowledgement of my past could be an important life decision. The hurts associated with it continue to re-emerge. Though, I feel acceptance may help prevent being blindsided by sudden and formidable eruptions in self-loathing and revulsion. I am often fearful of my impulses during these circumstances, especially when fuelled by grief, drugs, or alcohol.  Perhaps embracing the hurts of the past will help contribute to my own protection and longevity.

Although it is often said that your past should not dictate your future, perhaps it’s not so black and white. Perhaps embracing the hurts of a past-life will help promote happiness in a new one. Do I know this definitively? Absolutely not. However, I do know that perseverance often provides clarity. I hope the same holds true here. I guess, in time, I will find out.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” 

– Rick Warren