“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”
― JRR Tolkein
Although it may appear slightly farfetched that this infamous quote by JRR Tolkein in The Lord of The Rings resonates so much, it’s actually quite simple: the sheer impact of some past experiences cannot be erased. Self-destruction, external betrayal, internal warfare. How can you possibly eradicate that? How can you pretend they won’t hold power over the rest of your life?
I left the UK in 2019 knowing that there was no going back. The hurts of my home far outweigh the benefits. Although some of my most cherished memories remain within the UK (namely proposing to my fiancé and graduating from college), they remain chronically overshadowed. However, because I have detailed many of these negative experiences previously, I will not be repeating them here. Besides, we all have our own Everest to climb.
Fortunately, my fiancé understood this pretty quickly. While I know we could perhaps settle with a return to life there, I worry that resentment will build over time. Not necessarily aimed at anybody, but rather at my own circumstance. I promised myself a ‘forever out’. A permanent reset. Denying this for myself would be a betrayal of my life-long exploration towards potential happiness. It would present itself perversely, with everlasting consequences. Whether I will successfully obtain even a fraction of this internal happiness remains to be determined. Although, a return to my previous life will make this an impossible task.
I credulously believed that the ‘it’s time to move on’ mentality would result in a simplistic erasure of my history, like the neuralyzer gadget from the Men in Black movies. Simple eradication through lack of association. To nobody’s surprise but my own, life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes I feel like a wraith, but instead of being ensnared between life and death, I feel I’m ripped apart by my past, present and consequential futures all at once. Constantly going in circles, with an absence of purpose.
My drive and focus on a future, namely a career in science, has always been enough to facilitate freedom and success. But now, as the playing field narrows and the competition intensifies, I lack any feeling of importance. The academic world is cutthroat, even for those living without chronic mental health issues. Now, the negatives of my present and past are compounding one another. Am I good enough to be a scientist? This feeling of incapability then bleeds over into my personal life: am I good partner? Am I a good person? I used to think so. Now though, I am not so sure.
There are some that would love to be in my position. Yet, I often wish to be anyplace else. Does this lack of gratefulness make me a bad person? Unfortunately, it is a catch-22 scenario as I have no clue what circumstance would make things better, if any. I have only one absolute: a return to the UK remains the worst choice imaginable.
Emotionally, all I know definitively is that I am full of sadness and hatred. Hatred towards the past, sadness about what could have been. Although I should blame others for manipulating and breaking a young boy, all I tend to do is blame myself. Is this not what we all do? When something goes wrong and we are unable to fix it, how many of us turn the blame around onto ourselves? How many of us consider ourselves culpable? I confidently assume this is common, especially for men.
Suicide remains the largest killer of males under the age of 50. Nearly 75% of all those who die by suicide are men. I feel as though there is an annual uproar within the media sphere regarding these statistics, yet nothing seems to be done about it.
Data represents suicide rates in the United States. Data acquired from the Centre of Disease Control:
There are many behaviours that scare me which relate to the increased suicide rates in men. Withdrawal from friends and family, stockpiling of medications, excessive levels of anxiety or agitation, and reliance on alcohol or drugs. It was pills and alcohol for me when I was a teenager. As of now, I have enough pills in my apartment to tranquilize an African bull elephant. Not through stockpiling, but through required and necessary prescription. For many years I have been concerned that, for whatever reason, my past comes back to haunt me. What would that mean for my personal safety?
This is when I started to understand that some hurts are inescapable. I have been trying for so many years to forget the past and move on. Almost attempting to restart my existence and begin life anew. This is just not possible. Some hurts do, indeed, go too deep. Pretending this to be false could be disastrous for any of us, regardless of our ethnicity, gender, or orientation. Conversely, and likely beneficially, accepting it could be an important step in self-preservation, progression, and prosperity. Because I remain a sceptic, this is a hypothesis I need to test for myself.
Though my optimism is clearly lacking nowadays, acknowledgement of my past could be an important life decision. The hurts associated with it continue to re-emerge. Though, I feel acceptance may help prevent being blindsided by sudden and formidable eruptions in self-loathing and revulsion. I am often fearful of my impulses during these circumstances, especially when fuelled by grief, drugs, or alcohol. Perhaps embracing the hurts of the past will help contribute to my own protection and longevity.
Although it is often said that your past should not dictate your future, perhaps it’s not so black and white. Perhaps embracing the hurts of a past-life will help promote happiness in a new one. Do I know this definitively? Absolutely not. However, I do know that perseverance often provides clarity. I hope the same holds true here. I guess, in time, I will find out.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
As of writing, it has been over 12 months since I last sat in silence with my own thoughts. In hindsight, this is rather worrying. In my day to day, I am often overstimulated. I wake up and often check my emails in bed prior to the Formula 1 paced rush of getting ready for work. I should probably begin my preparation the night before by lining out my clothes and packing my bag. Yet, I never seem to do it.
After checking that the cooker is off about 5 times, my eyes focus on my headphones like a predator hunting prey. I never leave the house without my headphones on, embracing their comfort like the return of a long-lost lover. With this, music will play through my consciousness throughout much of the day. It could include mood lifting classics by Bob Marley and the Wailers, something with a bit of swagger like Green Onions by Booker T & The M.G’s, or something a bit more aggressive. However, during the work hours it usually encompasses stuff with a more repetitive tone to help me get into a motivational groove. Dance music in some description usually takes centre stage. Then it’s the – luckily minimal – walk to work. A day in the life of a scientist is always diverse. Creativity can crash through the brain like a tidal wave or trickle like a stream. It depends on the day. Staying up to date with the scientific literature is a crucial stimulant for new research ideas, even if they turn out to be too grandiose for our lifetime (teleporting coffee devices anyone?).
Generally, though, research takes up most of the day. Right now, my focus is aimed on the collection of protein samples following the stimulation of neuroimmune cells with various drugs, ranging from inflammatory inducers to chemotherapeutics. Although experimenting on cells in a dish is hardly reflective of the galactic scale of complexity that the human brain displays – after all, there are more neurons in the brain than stars in the milky way! – it is a crucial approach which can be fundamental to new discovery, including the identification of new proteins, or reporting new functions of previously classified ones. Expansion is possible of course, using stem cells derived from human patients – these cells are special. With the induction of a precise concoction of chemicals – ‘sugar spice and everything nice’ comes to mind… – stem cells can be differentiated into any type of human cell. Liver, kidney, muscular, neuronal. It is an invaluable tool for translatable research. However, when we need to look at systemic effects of disease – our lab primarily works on Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease – whole organism models are vital. As such, mice are often the primary animal of choice, including for my own in vivo work.
Alongside this, additional weekly seminars, reading multiple manuscripts per week, two meeting per-week, preparing ideas for grant proposals, peer-reviewing other researchers’ manuscript while also preparing your own… phew. The time for lunch, let alone self-reflection, is incredibly limited. My music obsession helps me manage my workload more effectively. It assists in preventing my work following me home. Although, returning to lab to finish experiments during the twilight hours is not uncommon.
This passion for music continues into the evening, wherein my main hobby is to sit down and try my hand at making some tracks. While not an expert, I have been lucky enough to have some of my records signed to a few prestigious dance music labels. But what does this all equate to? It means the creativity brain doesn’t really stop. Even in times of physical exhaustion, when the trickling stream has dried up into an unquenchable drought, I try to continue.
So, when do I take time to reflect and process my own thoughts and emotions? Well, I think I have gradually grown to intentionally try and avoid it. A few weeks ago, I decided to give myself 15 minutes to just lay on the couch with some classical music and reflect on the last decade. I turned 30 earlier this year which, obviously, is quite the milestone. I reflected on what I had achieved during that period. I graduated college, twice. I officially earned by PhD and became a doctor – sorry, I can’t help you if your body fails, but I’m sure I could take a crack at a diagnosis. I’ll test my hypothesis in a dish and get back to you in 20 years. I have also lived on three continents, in three cities. I have loved, lost, and loved again. I continue to love. I am grateful that I will always continue to love. Unfortunately, expansion of those emotions towards myself appears limited.
Don’t get me wrong, I am exceptionally proud of the achievements I have collected since 2014. However, there is an overshadowing question that I cannot seem to avoid: Does this self-admiration translate to self-perception?
No. No it does not. Why do I not sit with my thoughts? I think that is the answer. I can sit down and appreciate the life that I have. I love the people around me. I am selective with my ‘inner circle’, as it were. More critically, earlier this year I was resilient and strategic enough to muster the courage to eliminate a toxic shadow that has been plaguing my existence. Though, that is an entirely different chapter.
I have a genuine distaste for my existence at times. While that sounds incredibly morbid – and by most standards, it is – I am not sure what it means. I also do not understand why. I try my best to be a good person, and I do feel like I am one. I treat everyone how I would like to be treated, and I would bend over backwards for anyone I truly love. Yet, not for myself.
A question I have been battling for many years is ‘what makes metruly happy?’ Happy right down to the core… the bones. It remains a question I simply cannot answer. I’m not sure I ever have. I do know that nature has always been a peace inducer. Embracing nature is beautiful. All five senses heightened by humanity’s silence. Appreciating what true beauty looked like prior to our global domination and noxiousness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not intending (nor do I want to) become a nomad and just disappear into the wilderness and never return. Although, I do think I am truly at peace when I am in and around nature. Like most of us, I need to have a purpose. My work and my fiancé give me that purpose.
So then… what is the issue? The million-dollar question. Unfortunately, I cannot cash that ticket. Will I ever be able to? After all these years, I don’t think so. Although, I have not entirely lost hope. Perhaps it is time I began an excavation of my historical experiences and identify a root cause. Yet, I do not think any individual’s personal battles are as simplistic as this. Compare this, for example, to marriage. Excluding something unforgivably devilish, does a marriage end in divorce because of one singular event? Absolutely not. It often presents as a poisonous aggregation of pathological problems that manifest due to lack of ability, interest, and/or maturity to rectify the situation.
For me, perhaps this is a life-long journey. I know definitively that nobody other than myself will identify these issues. My mind is a chaotic mess of self-defeatism, deflection, frustration, rage, and intensity. It explains why I never tend to sit in my head too often. For example, earlier this week I asked myself: ‘What happens if I develop an incurable disease?’ My immediate response: ‘Phew. That’s a partial relief’. I think I’m so mentally overloaded that on certain days I have just had enough. It’s exhausting.
I need to explore my mind further, although it’s the last thing I wish to infect myself with. Because I spend most of my days keeping so busy, I never actually give myself the chance to initiate this assignment. It is intentional, I’m sure. Although I am beginning to spend 10-15 minutes a week in silence, thanks to the incorporation of a ‘health’ to-do list. During this period, I try to select remnants of negativity and pessimism and piece them together to curate some clarity… a bigger picture. Almost like a psychological jigsaw. Right now, though, it feels like kicking the hornet’s nest. Hopefully things will improve with repetition. Following an infamous quote by Thomas Wolfe: “I have to see a thing a thousand times before I see it once.”
For those of you who also ignore reflection, I impede you to do it. I wish I was better at it. I do truly believe it will help most of us find a measure of solace. For me, every day is a contemporaneous flux of the positive and negative. Which one will win? I guess I’ll find out.
“True ignorance is not the absence of knowledge, but the refusal to acquire it.” – Karl Popper
Whether you love it or loath it, work is one of life’s inevitabilities. As you may expect, the entire experience is often littered with plenty of peaks and troughs. The highs of being offered a promotion contrasted with the lows of missing a crucial deadline. For the majority of us, we will experience both at least once. However, as with many of life’s experiences, the negative can dramatically decelerate and impede our abilities.
Unfortunately, work related stress often debilitates our executive capacity. This usually manifests as a self-propagating cycle, wherein stress can catalyse emotional instability and nervousness, which in turn further inflames stress and inhibits our concentration. For me, I often associate these feelings with being purely and utterly overwhelmed. Naturally, this can have disastrous consequences for our work life. For many of us, we may just accept this as part and parcel of a busy career. Externally, the term ‘suck it up and deal with it’ flies around more commonly than in should. However, do we actually have to deal with this as a condition of normality? No, we do not.
Workplace stress is common and widespread, often aggregating prior to big presentations and important deadlines. It piles up on us as the workload gradually reaches a tipping point.
this is to be expected, especially for an intense work position. However, feelings of depression and anxiety shouldn’t be developing in these circumstances. If they do, we may need to take an important physiological and psychological health check.
At any given time, approximately 17% of working-age adults display symptoms associated with mental illness1. Women are disproportionately affected, being almost twice as likely to have a common mental health issue compared to men2. Further, around 20% of people are reported to take a day off due to stress, yet 90% of these individuals cite a different reason for their absence3. Thus, the fear of any judgement regarding poor mental health clearly remains. This is despite the fact that in the UK in 2019, stress, anxiety and depression were responsible for over 50% of all work-associated illness and 55% of all workdays lost due to ill employee health4. This likely correlates with 2019/20 estimates indicating that 828,000 UK based workers were affected by work-related stress, anxiety or depression4, which increased from the 602,000 reported cases in 2018/195. Why are these numbers so high? There are many potential obstacles which may contribute to these worrying statistics.
A 2017 report highlighted that employees with a long-term mental health condition are twice as likely to lose their job than those who do not. In the UK, this equated to around 300,000 individuals2. While mental health awareness has been increasing considerably over the past decade, these numbers really underline an urgent need to amplify national efforts, especially due to the considerable health burden of psychiatric disorders. Salomon et al., first reported on this way back in 2013. In a study which was published in The Lancet, the authors asked over 60,000 participants from all around the world which diseases, injuries and disorders they considered to be the most disabling6. A disability weighing scale (0.00 to 1.00) was then curated representing the severity of the disease (1.0 being the highest). As per the report, the disorder with the highest disability rating was schizophrenia (0.778), with an untreated spinal cord lesion (0.732) and severe multiple sclerosis (0.719) following closely behind. Startlingly, severe anxiety (0.523) and depression (0.658) were considered to be more disabling than moderate multiple sclerosis (0.267), a moderate-to-severe amphetamine dependence (0.486), and severe chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (0.408). Further, moderate psychological problems were also reported to be considerably debilitating. For example, moderate anxiety (0.133) was reportedly more debilitating than a concussion (0.110), while the disability weighting for a moderate depressive episode (0.396) was higher than that for anorexia nervosa (0.224) and tuberculosis (0.333). Despite this worrying numbers, it is crucial to emphasise here that this data was based on general public surveys. As such, the data will display inherent variation. However, I do believe that the study underlines a clear association between mental health disturbances and our quality of life.
What can I do?
Please do not allow the ‘stigma’ and previous cultural norms discourage you from seeking help. If our negativity and depressed feelings transcend both our work and personal lives, it is important to identify and/or actively seek out a supportive network. While discussing mental health within the working world is becoming more common, we can often worry about the opinions of others. Before speaking up, I was concerned that my colleagues would view me as incapable of successfully doing my job. A such, my anxiety was compounded by the paranoia of potentially being fired as a direct result of asking for help (despite this being illegal in many countries). Now, when my mental health inhibits my ability to work, I will immediately discuss it with my employer. After all, how can an employer adapt and adjust to our needs if we refuse to speak up? I appreciate this can be daunting, but it is absolutely crucial. If it concerns you, perhaps consider communicating with human resources instead.
Developing a coping mechanism can also be critical. This could be anything easily employable to help you through a stressful workday. For me, I often go to the gym during my lunch break. Any negativity that I was dragging around due to a stressful morning is often eradicated following the exceptional endorphin hit I get from an intense workout. If that doesn’t sound enjoyable or you would prefer to just have some time to relax and unwind, then do so. I also sometimes find a quiet spot to read a book or go for a walk; both of which really help clear a busy mind for the afternoon ahead. Regardless of what you decide, I emphatically encourage you to take all of your lunch break. While this isn’t necessarily straight forward for some jobs, be strict with the time and make sure you give yourself that opportunity.
If neither of these helps, I would also potentially consider seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. While some people report having bad experiences (myself included), this is often due to a clashing of personalities. This shouldn’t be surprising, as we will never fully connect with everyone we meet. I see a psychiatrist once a month and it really helps me put things into perspective. It can take some time to find a specialist which suits you, but it is often incredibly beneficial to supplement alongside some of your own coping mechanisms.
If you feel as if all is lost despite implementing some of these strategies, consider finding a more supportive work environment. It is difficult to admit when a job doesn’t fit properly, but we will never be able to force pieces into place which are not meant to go together. Do you remember the last time you were happy at work? If not, perhaps it is time to talk to some friends and colleagues regarding your current situation. If others feel your work life hinders your happiness, perhaps it is time to move on.
In summary, while some individuals may gaslight us into self-blame, often spitting hateful thoughtless comments such as “we all get depressed sometimes”, or “be careful not to play the victim card”, the majority of people – including employers – are empathetic, and they are there to listen to you. If any negativity comes out of you stepping forward, then perhaps that will provide you with an answer of what to do, regardless.
References:
Moran P, Rooney K, Tyrer P, Coid J. (2016) ‘Chapter 7: Personality disorder’ in McManus S, Bebbington P, Jenkins R, Brugha T. (eds.) Mental health and wellbeing in England: Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey 2014. Leeds: NHS Digital.
McManus S, Bebbington P, Jenkins R, Brugha T. (eds.) (2016) Mental health and wellbeing in England: Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey 2014. Leeds: NHS Digital.
Salomon JA, Haagsma JA, Davis A, de Noordhout CM, Polinder S, Havelaar AH, et al. Disability weights for the Global Burden of Disease 2013 study. Lancet Glob Heal
Take a second to close your eyes and visualize your life, from childhood right up until this morning. Try to focus on your most principle experiences, associating these specific events with particular feelings and emotions. Now, what did they mean to you? What feelings do you cling onto the most? It is sadness? Happiness? What about regret? Upon reflection, it is often easy for us to linger on the negative. During our childhood, this is especially true if we were plagued by bullying. The innate ability of our peers to manipulate the direction of our social development and emotional stability is really quite impressive, many times cultivating a negative mentality not dissimilar to an overgrown weed. A pest, often too difficult to remove.
Overall, my childhood was pretty good. Until around the age of eight, I lived in a small street called Church Leys in Harlow, Essex. I was pretty lucky in that many other families in the neighbourhood had kids around my age. This was before the development and widespread accretion of the internet, cell phones or social media. Thus, the other kids and I would usually spend the majority of our spare time together, trading Pokémon cards, playing football, or glued to the Nintendo 64. A distant time, void of any pertinent obstacles.
Unfortunately, negative emotions often cloud positive thoughts. My experience with secondary school and sixth form was the parasitic catalyst for this prolonged negative outlook. Many days were unpleasant, and the emotions associated with those moments often mean I forget to appreciate the enjoyable experiences in my past and present. Retrospectively, I often forget how enjoyable both my childhood and my peers could actually be. Instead, I attached myself to the disapproval I was relentlessly fed by others. This was a direct outcome of persistent peer-associated bullying.
I was an incredibly introverted and pretty weird kid. As such, I was probably an easy target. Slightly overweight, I was fat-shamed practically every day. I also had long curly hair similar to Slash, the guitarist from Guns N’ Roses. As cool as I thought it was, I was often coined the ‘yeti’ or ‘sasquatch’. Otherwise, ‘tramp’ would resonate in the days someone wanted to shake up the name-calling schedule. Eventually, these insults metamorphosized into commonplace nicknames. Understanding that resistance would likely result in further ridicule, I attempted to wear them like a badge of honour, despite being necrotic in nature.
Eventually, I was gifted a reprieve. I managed to make some of my bullies snigger during an English class, while my teacher glared at me with absolute distain. It was a lightbulb moment. While quite depressing in reality, I realized my way out of constant victimization and shame presented itself before me; position myself as the class clown. My agenda? Disruption, disobedience and disorder. My goal was to ruin every fucking class for the teacher so the popular kids would hopefully view me as three-dimensional and interesting. While it didn’t stop the bullying entirely, it put a muzzle on it for a while. As you might expect, this shift in behaviour resulted in educational penalties. I was switched into lower class sets because my teachers thought I was apathetic about my tutelage. To their credit, that did appear true. In actuality, because my mental health and self-esteem were so devastatingly damaged, my interests aligned with being in favour of my bullies rather than developing my academic abilities.
I almost ruined my education because of this manipulated mentality, all because a few insignificant bullies were flinging their own mental health and insecurity problems towards me. I adapted to fit into their crowd of callous clowns, attempting to avoid further harassment. Not dissimilar to a chameleon, I blended into my new social surroundings, but the ramifications were severe. Peer-pressure got the better of me. At the age of fourteen, I ended up being rushed to hospital due to alcohol poisoning. To impress my bully-perpetrating peers, I decided drinking a bottle of vodka would make me look dangerous, daring and most of all, sufficient. The worst thing about the entire experience? It wasn’t even these ‘peers’ that dialled for an ambulance. Instead, it was a stranger in the street who witnessed me repeatedly collapsing at a local park. I will never forget that feeling of utter loneliness and isolation upon understanding a stranger cared more about my health and safety than the people I associated myself with. I was rushed to hospital, wherein I woke up the next morning. Informed that I spent the majority of the night before throwing up on the nurse, the doctor explained how lucky I was to be alive. The hammer hit home for my mum when he turned to her and explained the situation would have been considerably worse if I was smaller in size. After this declaration, it should have been a turning point. Instead, the notion of being a smaller kid reverberated around my head. Irrationally, I extrapolated his conclusion to mean that I was obscenely overweight. The socially developing brain, huh? What a fun fucking ride. Hey, what did it matter? Nearly killing myself got me in their good books! As an insecure, vulnerable and lonely kid, I managed to turn this into a twisted positive.
Obviously, this ‘respect’ didn’t last long. In fact, the harassment expanded. In my later years at secondary school (I’d say between the ages of fourteen and sixteen), I was bullied in my morning and afternoon registration group, and the prospect of a reprieve appeared bleak. After about twelve weeks, I identified a way out. For the majority of my childhood, I lived alone with my mum. I used this to my advantage and started bunking off school. My mum would often leave for work after I left for school, so I began hiding in the nearby woods until I witnessed her drive off into the distance. My truanting lasted for approximately two weeks before my brother dropped by to collect something. Because I lacked any real ability to provide a show stealing performance in lying aptitude, he quickly put two-and-two together.
I became so mentally disenfranchised that I gave up on the entire education process. As a result, I coasted through my penultimate year, often attempting to nullify my chronic negativity through self-harm and emotional withdrawal. I began to disrupt practically every class wherein a potential bully was also present. Talking, throwing stuff and swearing at the teacher were all commonalities in my troublesome approach. The result? About 180 detentions in a single academic year. I think I received five or six a week on average, surmounting to an hour each day after school. I intentionally skipped out on the majority of these, resulting in extended ninety-minute detentions instead, as was the rule if you missed any. Clearly, I wasn’t making the wisest of decisions at the time. Looking back, I find that entire detention process infuriating. Teachers could have allocated detention time to force students to carry out class activities focused on the core fundamentals: English, Maths and Science. If standard protocol, perhaps I would have identified my passion for the latter far earlier.
Eventually, a lifeline presented itself in the form of my drama and performing arts teacher. Patrick Walker was always cool, calm and collected. His approach commanded authority, but in an unthreatening and empathetic way. Dedicated to helping his students’ development, he understood that belittling someone would only result in revolt and rebellion. My mum and I were called in for a meeting with him once, as he also had a crucial role in the senior leadership team. He emphasized that I was at an inflection point. The choices? Continue on my current path, ruining my life as a result, or actively apply my academic ability towards bettering myself and my future. As a direct consequence, I began to focus on my classes, rather than my bullies. While the victimization continued, I learned to ignore it for the most part. My newly found focus towards education helped me realize I attained genuine enjoyment from science, performing arts and computing. This alone was the spark responsible for a miraculous turnaround; I developed a hard-working mindset. But despite this newly discovered surge of motivation, I was unable to reach the goal I desperately set myself; an A grade in science. In fact, I mostly received C grades across the board. As such, that prospect of a better tomorrow rapidly mutated into uncertainty, depression and inescapable self-doubt.
I scraped into sixth form. By this point, the feeling of negativity and worthlessness felt permanently engraved into my brain. Instead of thankfulness and pride due to acceptance, I assumed the school took pity on me. I felt inadequate and expected to fail. While my hardworking mindset remained, my insecurity was rife. Life became study-centric. I did have friends during my time at sixth form (many of which remain my friends today), but I didn’t actively see them all that often outside of class. Because my mentality was infected with so much rotten self-doubt and paranoia, I never allowed myself to enjoy some of the better moments during those years.
Many of the bullies at my secondary school performed poorly in their exams, decided to take a different career path, or both. I didn’t see them again. Instead, I exposed myself to new bullies: the cool-intelligent crowd. Do you remember that kid that always got straight A’s despite never paying attention in class? All while taking the piss out of how hard you worked or how weird you were? Yeah, that came to ahead here. Around the same time, emotional withdrawal became second nature, but I considered it a positive thing. Facilitating me to work non-stop, it helped me to shrug off the snide comments from others. The work ethic I developed helped me attain the grades I needed for acceptance into a top-tier university. However, the social sacrifice was severe, and feelings of insufficiency aggregated once again.
My experience with university was better. Upon arrival at my dorm, feelings of acceptance and belonging really took over. On the most part, I met a range of different individuals from all walks of life who shifted my world view significantly. Regrettably, a small number of privileged students would often make snide comments, but fortunately they were located in a separate building. I recall that prior to moving in, there was a Facebook group set up by the university for the different accommodations located around London, so all incoming students had the opportunity to engage with others prior to arrival. For someone as timid and shy as I was at the time, this was a social security net. Though, I remember some individuals mocking me for my apparent eagerness on the group. While university is often distinguished as a potent primer for maturation towards adulthood, this association was clearly lost on some. Instead, they ridiculed me for being lonely and wanting a fresh start.
My first year as an undergraduate student made me realize that anyone has the ability to become a bully, regardless of their previous circumstances. I also began to understand that chronic bullying often results in long-lasting consequences, with depressive experiences in both childhood and adolescence resulting in life-long effects. For example, I still feel overweight to this day despite exercising four times a week and eating healthily. The consequences of fat-shaming during my adolescence really came to a head during my first year at university. I decided that my body was unbearable, so I employed a crash diet. I think my daily food regime was two slices of brown bread, a tin of baked beans and a roasted chicken breast, which is far from ideal for an active university student. The result? I dropped around 5 stone (70 pounds) in as many months. I was underweight and unhealthy.
After that initial year, things changed. I was selected to participate in an exchange program for my second year, wherein I decided to study at the National University of Singapore. The experience was the catalyst for priming the development of who I am today. It flipped my preconceptions and assumptions about myself, fuelling endless ideas of what I could potentially be. I still suffer with body confidence issues, but now I understand where it stems from. I take the time to rationalise my insecurities, target their original source, and remind myself that those feelings often manifested due to negative situations. While it remains to be completely effective, this approach to acknowledgement and acceptance helps me to rationalise my issues, allowing escape from an otherwise inescapable chokehold.
For this topic, I wanted to highlight my own personal experiences with victimization and bullying to really drive home that it can have immense implications. To this day, I still find it difficult to accept a compliment, and this had negative implications for previous relationships. For me, it was primarily due to bullying. Today, the only compliments I can really recognise are based on my previous successes. For example, I can accept the notion of someone referring to me as articulate, based on the fact I managed to navigate the PhD process and emerge with a doctorate. However, I still find it difficult to accept compliments associated with my appearance, my cultural taste or my social skills. Thus, I just hope that people become more aware about the consequences of long-term bullying, whether in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. There is a fine line between good-hearted ‘banter’ and just being degrading and hurtful. Locate the line, be mindful of it, and it will have long-lasting benefits for the mental health of yourself and your peers.
Please, always remember that random acts of kindness are far more rewarding.
Many of us are creatures of habit. If everything is going according to plan, we feel in control. Unfortunately, this status-quo often degenerates when a curveball presents itself. In some circumstances, this kickstarts a fear response. In the eyes of many, this is often considered an uncontrollable thought process. Fear has often been described as a self-protecting mechanism, through elicitation of the scientifically characterized ‘flight-or-fight’ response, which prepares the body for action. Whilst this is beneficial in many situations, such as being confronted with a potentially dangerous scenario, it can also become crippling for many of us. In some instances, this crippling fear associates with the uncontrollable. In fact, several anxiety disorders including social anxiety and panic disorder share an underlying trait: increased fear of the unknown. However, the manifestation of fear is becoming an increasingly common trait within society, often associated with what has been coined the ‘victim mentality’. It is an acquired personality trait, wherein a person often considers themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For many years, I thought this. I truly believed I was the victim of some cruel universal joke.
Due to negative and destabilizing life-events that I neither acknowledged nor dealt with, I assumed the worst in many situations. This was especially the case for scenarios I had absolutely no control over. As you may have guessed, I feared the unknown to a disconcerting extent. I feared the future. I was scared of the uncontrollable. I have always been meticulously organized and driven when it comes to work. Because of this, I would often eat myself alive when fear disrupted my flow and motivation. The worst thing? Fear would consume me about scenarios that I either had no control over, or worse… things that may not arise. I feared things that did not yet exist! Future career aspirations, ending of relationships, death of family members. Why was I so consumed by these destructive thoughts and fears?
Fear of the unknown is an acquired trait. It is learned. Because of that, we all have the ability to unlearn it. For many of us, we often allow the past to dictate our opinions on the future. We apply previous worst case scenarios to new situations, often assuming that the past will inevitably repeat itself. ‘I was in a relationship once… they broke up with me. I had a job interview like this before… they didn’t want to hire me.’ Why should any of us believe that it will not happen again? This thought process can often lead to chronic indifference and lethargy about the potential progression in our lives. We can lose all interest in skill development because of the manifestation of fear. How is that a good life? That isn’t living at all.
For the best part of a decade I let fear dictate my path. On several occasions I decided to choose security over the prospects of greatness. Why? Was it the fear of embarrassment? The fear of failure? I think it was a combination of the two. I was heavily bullied in school, so when I was in my late teens, if there was any instance whereby I would potentially embarrass myself, I would avoid the situation entirely. The fear of failure had become more prominent during my early twenties. Truly believing failure would extinguish any potential success, I would often avoid new scenarios in which the potential for failure manifested. Because of that, I missed out on some incredible opportunities.
Things in life which are worth having are never easy. If they were, then we would all have them. I think this is crucial to underline. Does stress contribute to your fear? If aligned, it is important to approach and manage challenges in bitesize chunks. This makes tackling a new situation far more manageable and may consequentially help suppress the development of an exaggerated fear response. Are you worrying about the long-term consequences of failure? In many instances this is an entirely pointless process, often fueling fear, anxiety and unmanageable stress. Focusing on fear linked to things you cannot immediately control is a fruitless endeavor.
“Fear and anxiety many times indicates that we are moving in a positive direction, out of the safe confines of our comfort zone, and in the direction of our true purpose.”
– Charles F. Glassman
In some circumstances, fear manifestation can lead us to develop the ‘if it is meant to be, it is meant to be’ mentality. Relying on this internal monologue results in the manifestation of laziness and reluctance. Dedicated and consistent hard work is required for success. The universe will not run that race for us. Because of this, fear in many ways is our mortal enemy. If unharnessed it has the potential to inhibit our ability to strive forwards. So, what can we do about it? I have listed a few different approaches that may help.
How to tackle our fear.
Limiting exposure to uncontrollable situations. Many of us can get worked up by situations we cannot directly or individually resolve. In terms of global issues, newspapers and news websites are the perfect ingredient to whip up a fear storm. For example, whilst I have been living in the United States, I can say with utmost confidence that Donald Trump has exclusively installed anxiety and fear in the hearts of many Americans. His off-the-wall opinions and abuse of power have many people anxious about their futures. Unfortunately however, the presidential situation can only be resolved on election day. For now, it eludes our control. Excessively worrying about things like this during a period wherein you cannot do anything about it is psychologically and physically draining, and it’s definitely not good for anyone. Focus on the things that you have direct control over. The world is too big to worry about everything.
Seek support. Communicating with others who may feel similar bouts of fear and anxiety can be beneficial. I quickly realized that I was pretty good at giving advice to others about their own anxiety. However more importantly, these conversations helped me understand that I was ignoring my own advice. Eventually this changed, and it has assisted beyond description.
Reflect on past successes. How many times have we all worried about something only for it to totally work out? Whether that was studying for exams, preparing for a job interview, or organizing travel preparations, we often like to dramatacise and imagine the worst-case scenario. Whilst a realistic approach often helps avoid excessive disappointment if something doesn’t go out way, this thought process is imminently heading towards pessimism. When fear hits you regarding a new opportunity, remember to look back at your previous successes. I hope this reflection will help you realize and understand just how suitable and ready you are for this next experience.
It is important to remember that fear is an entirely natural response, especially when we enter a situation we are not immediately comfortable or familiar with. That doesn’t automatically mean that it should be considered a negative emotion. Many of the best things in life are on the other side of fear. Harness it. Embrace it. The unknown may be terrifying, but it is also totally magnificent.
The idea that mental health issues are more common amongst university students has gained traction in recent years. Identifying this problem has led to the much-needed development of support systems for students whilst they study towards furthering their promising careers. However, psychological distress is running rampant at a much deeper level within our university culture, wherein the urgency cannot be understated.
I am talking about the academics – the pillars of higher education. Yet, despite their obvious essentiality to students’ success, they are often overlooked by the people they teach. Comparatively to their students, research into the poor mental health of academics has received little attention, despite its clear importance. As with any individual, if you suffer in silence, understanding that you aren’t the only person with a seemingly unshakeable black dog can provide a form of release from some of the distress you may be feeling.
Acknowledge the Academic
During my undergraduate degree, I inevitably looked towards my lecturers as sources of extensive knowledge. I was always fascinated by their research and scientific interests. Yet, I never considered the amount of stress that they were likely under, and the personal impact associated with this. In many scenarios, the increasing workload of academics, alongside the lack of job security and the extensive demand to publish, has led to many academics suffering with some form of mental health disorder. A 2017 survey highlights this, wherein it was identified that 43% of academics (including senior and principal lecturers) exhibited symptoms of at least a mild mental health disorder1. This is nearly twice the level of prevalence in comparison to the general population. An Australian study further validates this, finding that the rate of mental illness amongst academic staff was up to four times higher2.
Suffering with mental health difficulties will predictably hinder professional performance. Nevertheless, the support options available for academics remains rather limited. Many universities offer mental health services, but these are primarily aimed at students. Some services are available, such as the option to see an occupational nurse, but information regarding these services are often obscure and difficult to find.
The Stigma Survives
In 2014 a survey was carried out to determine the attitudes and experiences of students and staff surrounding mental health problems, which included the completion of a “stigma scale”. The study highlighted that “silence” surrounding mental health issues permeates throughout the university culture, impacting on help seeking behaviours alongside the support and recovery of affected individuals3. It is not surprising then, that only 6.7% of academic staff in the United Kingdom have ever opened up about a mental health condition4.
The Guardian online have a blog entitled Academics Anonymous, whereby academics can discuss work difficulties without disclosing their identity. One such post in 2015 suggested that HR departments within many universities remain unsympathetic and often fail to recognise a mental health disorder as a legitimate illness5.
Overworked and Underpaid
Clearly more needs to be done to support our academics. Structural changes are desperately needed to address many of the factors associated with poor mental health, such as job security, pay and work load. Unfortunately, these changes are unlikely to happen quickly. The high costs of education put many institutions under extraordinary pressure to satisfy students and their parents with educational excellence, with this putting further stress on academics. In one example from 2017, some “overworked” lecturers at Queen Mary University London were caught sleeping in their offices overnight, before being threatened with disciplinary action6 – which would only result in further psychological distress.
Supportive Strategies
Like the work currently used to support the wellbeing of students, academics need more information surrounding mental health to help change their attitudes towards seeking support. One study emphasises the benefit of exercise, where academics were more likely to report lower levels of distress if they undertook 150 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise per week1. Thus, the creation of physical activity options for staff, such as free exercise facilities and subsidised cycle to work schemes may provide some benefit.
Regardless of the strategies selected, we all need to be aware of the non-selective nature of mental illness. It affects men and women from all backgrounds, in all professions, and at all stages of life. We need to understand this before working together to provide strength and support when it comes to fighting back against mental illness. For students, I have previously written an article on the BPS blog talking about my personal experience of battling with mental illness whilst completing my PhD, which can be accessed here.
It is a scary prospect, but it is something that has accumulated serious momentum. From a scientific point of view, I have to admit I do find it fascinating. However, from a health perspective, this is rather worrying. The conclusions being drawn? Untreated depression may be causing brain degeneration.
Considering one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year, this might raise concern. It becomes even more alarming with the publication of a recent study highlighting that approximately 35% of people newly diagnosed with depression refused to seek treatment. Without professional help, how long can depression toxify and contaminate an individual’s identity? Easily an entire lifetime. Not seeking help for prolonged periods of sadness or emotional absence may not be just affecting your character, as was often thought for decades.
The ‘all in the mind’ mentality is dead. The divide between physiology and psychology was clearly defined for many years. When patients were physically unwell – because of say, a broken bone or arthritis – any accompanying mental health instabilities were waived off. Depression often accompanied these ailments (and still does, of course), but the diagnostic significance of such was irrelevant. If a patient suffering from a chronic disorder like arthritis said they were depressed, the general consensus amongst medical practitioners was: ‘well you would be, wouldn’t you?’. The same conclusion was always drawn. The patient was simply depressed as a consequence of the pain associated with their arthritis, or their broken leg, and so forth. No real attention looked into the other potentiality; what if the depression causes physiological ailments? What if a psychological disturbance could be having serious negative effects on the body?
In the 21stcentury, the argument for this is strong. Chronic, untreated depression appears to have a degenerative effect on the brain, damaging it from the inside. Here I want to highlight some key pieces of research which link depression to neurodegeneration. The idea here is to help us all understand just how important seeking assistance might be if you think yourself or a loved one might be suffering from a chronic depressive episode. Trying out different methods to combat depression will be beneficial both for emotional stability and life fulfillment, but also for the health of our brains, too.
A major finding was published when discovering differences in the brain scans of depressed and non-depressed patients. Looking at cases of major (clinical diagnosis of chronic) depression which had lasted for more than a decade, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Ontario, Canada identified that during episodes of major depression, the patients’ brains would show signs of inflammation. The study group identified that a key protein associated with the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord) inflammatory response was approximately 30% higher in the brains of people who lived with depression for more than a decade. However, this isn’t the only study to report such a finding. Another study published in 2016 looked at the whole-body levels of CRP (another biological marker of inflammation) in patients with depression and those without. The observational studyidentified that depressed individuals exhibited CRP levels more than 30% higher than those without depression.
The results presented here are startling, collectively indicating that we may need to change our thinking about depression and its effects. The evidence strongly affirms that depression truly is a biologically based disorder, rather than something that only exists in the field of psychology. But how does this link to degeneration of the brain?
Whilst inflammation is used to protect the body from infection amongst other functions, excessive inflammation can cause extensive cellular damage. Chronic inflammation within the brain has been linked to several destructive neurodegenerative diseases. One of which is Parkinson’s disease, which primarily manifests itself as a movement disorder, wherein patients begin to show signs of slowed movement (bradykinesia), until movement becomes practically impossible without medication. This primary symptom is caused by the destruction of neurons in the portion of the brain which is essential for movement. Unfortunately, there is currently no cure.
Whilst the contribution of inflammation to Parkinson’s disease does not appear to be the primary causation, in Alzheimer’s disease it may be a different story entirely. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common neurodegenerative disease in the world. In the United States alone, approximately 5.7 million peopleare currently suffering with the disease, which is primarily associated with progressive and severe memory loss. Again, there is currently no cure. Recent researchpublished in the Lancetnow appears to highlight neuroinflammation as a central cause of Alzheimer’s disease, with many otherstudies further supporting this idea.
Multiple lines of research therefore support the idea that ignoring a potential major depressive episode could have considerably devastating consequences for the long-term health of the brain. What can we do to fight back? Alongside seeking professional support, as little as 20 minutes of exercisecan reduce your bodily levels of inflammation. This is alongside the general health benefits of exercise, including reducing the risk of type 2 diabetes and cancer. Diet is the next big consideration. There are several foods which should be avoided due to their contribution towards inflammation, including red meat and refined carbohydrates. On the other hand, there are many foods which are considered to be anti-inflammatory, including green leafy vegetables such as spinach and kale, fatty fish like salmon, and a range of berries. A more exhaustive list of pro- and anti-inflammatory foods can be found here. Supporting this switch in diet, women whose diets include more foods which trigger inflammation and fewer foods which restrain inflammation have up to a 41% increased risk of being diagnosed with depressionthan those who mostly eat a less inflammatory diet.
Depression is a biological disorder and we all need to take this into consideration. Its link to inflammation and bodily damage cannot be underestimated, and it is something we must consider when either ourselves or a loved one is currently suffering a major depressive episode. If you are adamant about not seeing a professional (I highly advise you do, however), exercising more and switching up our diets may provide an answer that we desperately need.
The new calendar year… a time associated with celebration yet often tainted with the thought of beginning anew. As January rolls in, many of us are overcome by feelings of starting over, in correlation with forgetting of the past. Whilst new year’s resolutions should often to be employed if you believe you have the ability to become a better person, trying to forget or ignore previous life experiences would be cheating yourself. Continue reading “A new year should never mean a new beginning.”→
“After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.”
This quote really stuck with me. Love is an incredible thing. Whether that feeling is for a significant other, or perhaps for work or even an environment, it is an emotional rollercoaster. You appreciate how fantastic that person/thing is. However, at the same time, it can cause a sense of worry and sadness. What happens if things change? How certain is the path that I currently walk on? What if change detrimentally alters my current position or relationships? Continue reading “Anxiety: How it links to our future.”→
Self-criticism. It can be one of the most disabling components of our psychological wellbeing. Unfortunately for most of us, we will always be our own worst-critic. Relationships, friendships, work progression; self-critical thoughts can make us second guess our ability and worth in all of these areas. Continue reading “It is time to crucify the self critic.”→
Photo: Pexels
This is mental health. 